A letter to the bio-mom of my foster babies

To the bio-mom of my foster babies,

Your children have been with me for a while now. They’ve been living in my home long enough that they feel like my own. They call me “mama” and my husband “daddy”. They know where to find the snacks, their favorite blanket and our bedtime routine. Day in and day out, they’re making memories with our family. Our family of seven, no longer a family of five. When they’re gone, something is missing. Something feels off. On those visits I can’t stop thinking about them. I wonder what they’re eating, how they’re sleeping and if they are happy. I count down the minutes until they come home and I can see them and kiss them. And when I finally do, without fail, my heart feels so relieved to have them home that tears stream down my cheeks. Yes, of course there are days when I look forward to a quieter afternoon but I’m always relieved to have them home.

These kids have not only become a part of my family but they’ve become a part of me. They’ve etched themselves onto my heart. I fear that if they leave I won’t be able to recover. I love those kids so much, that I can’t imagine losing them.

But I want you to know that I see you. That I love your kids and that I love you too. And that I know that this hurts for everyone. I want you to know that none of us are perfect parents, that we all just do our best. And sometimes parenting styles look different but that doesn’t mean that things are necessarily wrong. I share this because I sometimes find myself judging and not loving. My heart wants to protect our babies, so it can pick apart things that are different. I also know that you’re working hard. That when life throws a curve ball and you find yourself in a really hard place, that it can feel impossible to climb out. But you’re doing just that!

And yes, our children have experienced trauma, but sometimes I think about how lucky they are. They’re lucky because they have two mommies that love them. Two places to call home. They have two blankies that they love and two snack cupboards. And that someday when this phase of life is behind them, that they are going to appreciate both places and both mommies.  So let us continue on. Each of us doing our best, each of us loving our most and each of us soaking up the moments we get with these precious children.  I love you, bio-mom, forever and for always.

Melissa is a foster mom, birth mom, wife, working mom and optimist. She shares her story here as a testament to all types of parents, doing the best they can. Sign up for Hummingbird Infant's free confidence-boosting weekly Baby Buzz email, helping your parenting journey.